#Contaminated #Vocabulary
#Words to #avoid when dealing with #clients, #teams, #vendors, #children or any one with whom you want to #maximise #business #success and #relationship.
I remember my first training on NLP more than twenty seven years ago where the course leader was teaching us the power of language .
Not only did I understand that specific words affect our mental pictures, but also understood words are a powerful programming factor in lifelong success.
The faciliator was sharing with us a story of his childhood days. Let me share this with you vertbatim as I heard from him:
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“ One particularly interesting event occurred when I was eight. As a child , I was always climbing trees, poles, and literally hanging around upside down from the rafters of our lake house. So, it came to no surprise for my dad to find me at the top of a 30-foot tree swinging back and forth. My little eight-year-old brain didn't realize the tree could break or I could get hurt. I just thought it was fun to be up so high. My friend, John, was also in the tree. He was hanging on the first big limb, about ten feet below me. John’s mother noticed us at the exact same time as my father. About that time, a huge gust of wind came over the tree.
I heard the leaves start to rattle and the tree began to sway. I remember my dad's voice over the wind yell, 'Son, hold on tightly.' So I did. The next thing I knew, I heard John screaming at the top of his lungs, laying flat on the ground. He had fallen out of the tree. I scampered down the tree to safety. My dad later told me why he fell and I did not. Apparently, John's mother was not as astute as my father. When John's mother felt the gust of wind, she yelled out, 'John, don't fall!'
And John did... fall.
My dad then explained to me that the mind has a very difficult time processing a negative image. In fact, people who rely on internal pictures cannot see negative at all. In order for John to process the command of not falling, his nine-year-old brain had to first imagine falling, then try to tell the brain not to do what it just imagined. Whereas, my eight-year-old brain instantly had an internal image of me hanging on tightly”.
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This is why people who try to stop smoking struggle with the act of quitting smoking. They are running pictures all day of themselves smoking. Smokers are rarely taught to see themselves breathing fresh air and feeling great. The language itself becomes one barrier to success.
This concept is especially useful when you are attempting to break a habit or set a goal.
You can't visualize not doing something. The only way to properly visualize NOT doing something is to actually find a word for what you want to do and visualize that. For example, when I was about eleven years old, I used to play gulli cricket just like many of the boys at that age do in India. I tried so hard to be good, but I just couldn't get it together at that age. I remember when I was fielding, hearing the words of a senior boy run through my head as I was running to take a catch, 'Don't drop it!' Naturally, I dropped the ball.
My coaches ( the elderly boys in our apartment) were not skilled enough to teach me proper 'self-talk.' They just thought some kids could catch and others couldn't. I will never make it pro, but I am now a pretty good Sunday afternoon cricket player, playing with my second son,because all my internal dialogue is positive and encourages me to catch a ball and make him out. I wish I had learnt the art of positive self talk then and perhaps, I may have played cricket for my university. Forget about university, I did not even play for my school.
Here is a very easy demonstration to teach your children your friends and your team at your work place the power of a contaminated vocabulary.
Ask them to hold a pen or pencil. Hand it to them. Now, follow my instructions carefully.
Say to them, 'Okay, try to drop the pencil.' Observe what they do.
Most people release their hands and watch the pencil hit the floor. You respond, 'You weren't paying attention. I said TRY to drop the pencil. Now please do it again.'
Most people then pick up the pencil and pretend to be in excruciating pain while their hand tries but fails to drop the pencil. The point is made. If you tell your brain you will 'give it a try,' you are actually telling your brain to fail. I have a 'no try' rule in my house and with everyone that I interact. Either people will do it or they won't.
Either they will be at the party or they won't. I am brutal when people attempt to lie to me by using the word 'try.' Do they think I don't know they are really telegraphing to the world they have no intention of doing it, but they want me to give them brownie points for false effort? You will never hear the words 'I'll try' come out of my mouth unless I am #teaching this concept in a #workshop
If you 'try' and do something, your unconscious mind has permission not to succeed.
If I truly can not make a decision, I will tell the truth. 'Sorry, friend. I am not sure if I will be at your party. I have an outstanding commitment. If that falls through, I will be there. Otherwise, I will not. Thanks for the invite.' People respect #honesty. So remove the word 'try' from your vocabulary. My late Mother had taught me that it takes seventeen positive statements to offset one negative statement. I have no idea if it is true, but the logic holds true. It may take up to seventeen compliments to offset the emotional damage of one harsh criticism. These are concepts that are especially useful when raising children or even training your newly recruited team.
Ask yourself how many compliments you give yourself daily versus how many criticisms. I know you are talking to yourself all day long. We all have internal voices that give us direction. So, are you giving yourself the 17:1 ratio or are you shortchanging yourself with contaminated self-talk like, 'I suck, I am fat, Nobody will like me, I will try this diet. I am not good enough. I am so stupid. I am broke, etc.
If our parents can set a lifetime of programming with one wrong statement, imagine the kind of programming you are doing on a daily basis with your own internal dialogue.
Here is a list of contaminated Vocabulary words. Notice when you or other people use them.
- But
- Try
- If
- Might
- Would have
- Don't
- Could have
- Can’t
- Should have
* But - negates any words that are stated before it
* If - presupposes that you may not
* Would have - past tense that draws attention to things that didn't actually happen.
* Should have - past tense that draws attention to things that didn't actually happen (implies guilt)
* Could have - past tense that draws attention to things that didn't actually happen, but the person tries to take credit as if it did happen
* Try - presupposes failure.
* Might - It does nothing definite. It leaves options for your listener
* Can't / Don't - These words force the listener to focus on exactly the opposite of what you want. This mistake parents and coaches make without knowing the damage of this linguistic error.
Examples of Contaminated phrase:
'Don't lose this deal!' Likely result: Loses the deal. ( though there could be other reasons for losing too but the words don't leaves its mark behind)
Better language: 'Get this deal!'
Toxic phrase: 'You shouldn't watch so much television.' Likely result: Watches more television.
Better language: 'I read that too much television makes people dull. You may find yourself turning that TV off and picking up one of those books more often!'
An exercise for you
Take a moment to write down all the phrases you use on a daily basis or any toxic or contaminated self-talk that you have noticed yourself using with your clients, your team and your with your children. Write these phrases down so you will begin to catch yourself as they occur and change them.